The following blog post was originally posted on my personal blog in February 2020. I started the blog so my friends and family could follow my journey to become a single mother by choice (SMC). When deciding to share my story for this audience, those who don’t know me quite so well, I debated whether I should tell the full story or condense it down. When it came down to it, I just couldn’t decide what to take out because it’s all a part of my story and how I got to where I am, deciding to help fellow SMCs with my knowledge as a dietitian. So here it is, a bit long but hopefully worth the read.
My journey to become a single mother
Where do I start? I guess at the somewhat beginning, which would be from when I got married, and what led to the end of the marriage two and half years later.
In a lot of ways, I was always ahead of my time and in other ways I was a late bloomer. Marriage was the latter for me. I didn’t get married until I was 34 years old, which even for today I would consider later than most.
Now, let me just say here, I would’ve saved myself and others a lot of misery if we had never gotten married in the first place, because, looking back, we really shouldn’t have. I think I will save that story for later though. For now, let’s just focus on what made me decide to become a single mother by choice.
Getting such a late start at marriage meant we had to start trying to have kids pretty much right away. I stopped taking my birth control pill about two months before the wedding and we hit the ground running right away.
I never thought we would have a problem getting pregnant, I even thought we might have a honeymoon baby. Wishful thinking, right? But being the science nerd, research-aholic, always prepared, detail-oriented person that I am, I started researching trying to conceive for older women right away and knew that we were at a slight disadvantage due to my age and didn’t have much time to waste.
So, when we weren’t pregnant within the first three months, I knew it was time to start testing. We started with the basics, progesterone level and basic blood tests for me, evaluating and tracking my cycle, which was normal, and I started tracking my ovulation, which wasn’t too tricky, and everything seemed to be normal with me.
To be honest, I was a little worried about my side of the picture because on top of some autoimmune issues (asthma, eczema, allergies, etc.), I also had a history of not having my period for about nine months in high school, but that was a long time ago and overall I consider myself in very good health.
My husband, on the other hand, was a different story. Besides having a completely opposite upbringing than I did, he was also not in the best of health, even at a young 32 years old. He was a smoker that had no desire to quit (despite what he said), had been having gastrointestinal issues that turned out to be ulcerative colitis, had various injuries over the years that didn’t heal right and that he was constantly battling with, you name it, he had it, and I’m still not convinced that he was even telling the truth about half of it.
male factor infertility
Regardless if any of his ailments were true or not, I was not the least bit surprised when his test came back with a not so good result. He had low sperm count, low motility (how fast they move) and decent morphology (the shape). To say he was devastated is an understatement.
I immediately got to work on finding the right supplements, making all the needed doctor’s appointments to try to fix his various ailments, making all the necessary dietary changes for him, and encouraging him to quit smoking. To me, this was an easily fixable situation, but to him it was practically the end of the world and he went into a deep depression.
As we worked through all of this, we also had to deal with some things that would put stress on any new marriage. We had to live out of boxes while the house that my parents bought for us to live in was being demoed and remodeled, starting out in a tiny studio behind the garage and then moving into the house about a year later. We really never even got to fully unpack.
In April 2017, as he was skateboarding home from work, he (supposedly) was hit by a car, a hit-and-run, as he was crossing the street, breaking his collarbone, which caused him to not be able to work. He went on disability, severely hurting our budget, and ended up needing surgery after it didn’t heal correctly.
Right after that his dad and stepmom moved from Florida with their two dogs and cat into the studio. His mother was having health issues. I lost hours at my job unexpectedly, lost our health insurance, and we had to go on an even tighter budget than we were on previously.
We fought about money and life goals constantly. The biggest problem (aside from the fact that he was lying to me the entire time, but again, saving that for later), was that he simply had no goals. Like zero life goals. How did I end up with someone that had absolutely no goals??!
Literally, the complete opposite of myself. So, I was left to do all the work for both of us.
Of course, I’m glad that I took the time to learn all about infertility in this time, because it has its benefits now, but I also wish that I had saved myself three years of unhappiness.
So, fast forward to May 2018, Cinco de Mayo weekend to be exact, about two years after we first started trying. We had recently re-tested his sperm and found out that it was finally up to normal numbers and motility. I had a nutrition conference in Pomona that weekend that I was also going to be ovulating, so I made him come with me. They say that a lot of couples take a baby-cation to get away and relax and that can help with reducing stress and conceiving, so I had my fingers crossed.
Well, it worked!! I saw those two pink lines about 12 days later, and I was pregnant!!
We were ecstatic. We started planning and buying things right away. We didn’t go crazy but we found a nice stroller on sale as Babies-R-Us was going out of business, we found some baby room stuff at Good Will, and we started a white board with baby names for boys and girls, both agreeing on not finding out the sex ahead of time. We told our family and closest friends and even some co-workers. He told just about everyone he knew.
And then everything fell apart. We had our first appointment at about 7 weeks, which was earlier than they usually do an ultrasound, but we managed to get in. They could see the fetal pole, but they couldn’t find a heartbeat. It wasn’t bad news quite yet, it could’ve just been too early, so we had to wait about a week to get another ultrasound.
When the ultrasound tech didn’t say anything to us, I knew it was not good news but I didn’t break down until the doctor actually said it. It looked like the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and was not viable. I had a missed miscarriage.
Even typing the words now, I still get emotional. Pro tip: don’t write about life-altering devastating memories while stuck in the middle seat on a five-hour flight. Lesson learned.
Since my body had not caught up and registered the miscarriage yet, we had a few options of how to proceed. I could have a D&C, which stands for dilation & curettage, the procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus. I could take the pills to induce miscarriage and it could be done on my time within one to two days; these are the same pills they give you for an abortion. Lastly, I could wait for my body to do it naturally, but that could take an unknown amount of time and you run the risk of incomplete expulsion, in which case you have to have a D&C anyway.
Being the hippy that I am I decided to let my body do what it needed to do, which didn’t happen until two weeks later and I spent my Fourth of July of 2018 sitting on the couch in the garage, in pain, not the worst pain I’ve ever felt but also not the way I want to remember that holiday for the rest of my life.
the end of my marriage
And that was pretty much the catalyst for the end of my marriage. My husband went into another deep depression, stopped sleeping in our bed, pretty much stopped sleeping at night all together, and was not there for me when I needed him the most.
The miscarriage hit him harder than it did me, not to say I wasn’t sad and devastated, I was. But I am just not one to wallow in my sorrows. I take the time I need to be sad and then I move on and pick myself up by my bootstraps and continue to pursue my goals in whatever way I need to.
Again, he was the opposite and this time it was the excuse he needed to go off the deep end. He started drinking again, about a month before what would’ve been his six-year sober birthday. He delved deeper into the drugs that I had somewhat of an idea that he was already doing but had no idea how bad it really was. And he just started making terrible life decisions. Like staying up all night then driving to Vegas at the crack of dawn, with no driver’s license, in his friend’s car, falling asleep at the wheel, rolling the car and almost killing them both in the middle of the desert.
This is just one example of many of what I was put through. It was one thing after another, he was constantly getting in trouble somehow and I was always the voice of reason, the bailer-outer and the payer of all the fines.
Needless to say, I didn’t stick around for much longer. When it got to the point where it was an almost daily occurrence, I found a lawyer and filed for divorce on November 1st, 2018.
He moved out within the week, but not without drama. Including, a call to the cops, a stay in jail for a night (for him of course), a restraining order, and me having to stay at my parent’s house and buy two cartridges of mace, one for my purse and a smaller keychain one, both of which I still carry with me to this day.
All things considered, it was a quick and easy divorce because we had little to no assets and he didn’t have the energy or money to fight anything he thought he may be entitled to. We split everything amicably and the case went to default. Our divorce was finalized on July 31st, 2019, only about 7 months after filing.
In that time, I got a new job, moved back to my happy place in the mountains in April 2019 and proceeded to move on with my life. It really didn’t take long to start thinking about starting a family on my own. Naturally, I got custody of our dog Ruby that we had adopted in October, and we were thriving together, despite the fact that I had never had a dog of my own and was not prepared to be a single dog mom, but I made it work. She helped me to be confident in myself as a single woman again.
WHY I want to be a single mother by choice
I’ve always wanted to be a mother and always pictured myself as a mother, and it’s what I had been working towards for the last three years, so why not? Due to my age, 37 by that time, it was now or never. I quickly found the community of single mothers by choice and knew right away that it was the right thing for me, a fiercely independent female that has no time or patience for man-children that can’t get their shit together.
When I think back to why I got married in the first place, I have to admit to myself that I thought he was my last chance at having a family. I was too old to break-up and start over, so I guess I’ll just settle. When I think about relationships now, I know that I can always find a partner, but I can’t always have a baby. It’s expensive to do it on your own via ART, yes, but I can always make more money, I can’t always have a baby.
Every possible obstacle I could think of didn’t deter my decision, it only made it stronger. I could do this, there are thousands of women doing this every day and I could be one of them. When I think about later in life, if I would have any regrets trying to be a SMC, I always think the opposite, that I’ll absolutely regret it if I don’t at least try. And there was my answer. THAT was ultimately my deciding factor.
As soon as I started researching, meeting with an RE, getting my testing done, etc., I began to get so excited and my mind, body and soul told me that perhaps I wanted to do this sooner than I even thought when I first began. That helped to solidify my decision and I often tell clients the same, just START and you’ll quickly know if it’s right for you or not. Also, start taking those prenatals yesterday! But I digress.
So that brings us to the present day. I’ve now done two rounds of IVF, resulting in two normal embryos and four abnormals, happily waiting on ice. The first round here in Southern California and the second round with CNY Syracuse, simply to save money. I have various options for next steps, all of which I’ve outlined and shared on my personal social media accounts, which you are welcome to follow. Hopefully, we can share in this journey together.
I hope you can relate to my story, as I think a lot of us go through similar marriage and relationship woes before landing on the doorstep of single motherhood. Or maybe it’s knowing the ups and downs of going through several rounds of fertility treatment and still not having a baby in your arms that I can empathize with. Either way, I am now dedicated to helping my fellow SMC create the family of their dreams, however that may look.
If you’re interested in 1:1 fertility coaching or functional and integrative nutrition counseling please visit my services page and schedule a free Discovery Call where we can chat and find out if we’re a good fit to work together.
